My Life In Song

Music's on my mind tonight. Was just looking over my long lost OST. Figured I'd do the planning in case someone ever decided to make a movie on my life. I like having that kind of creative control :P Funny how for someone who is tone deaf, can't sing and can't play a single instrument, I love music. Actually, I think I just love stories. And songs tell me stories. I don't think I ever listen to a song without associating it with a situation, whether in my real life or my imagined one. That's how my OST came to be. I actually started toying with the idea when I was 9 and realized everytime I listened to 'Some Where Out There' I felt like I was back on that last flight from Saudi Arabia to India, looking out at the clouds. The list has gone through many changes over time, but here you are - the story of my life. In song.

Side A
Everybody - Backstreet Boys
Yesterday - Beatles
Would You Like To Swing on a Star - Bing Crosby
Some Where Out There - Philip Glasser and Betsy Cathcart
The Winner Takes it All - ABBA
Stop Draggin My Heart Around - Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
Fast Car - Tracy Chapman
Losing My Religion - REM

Side B
November Rain - Guns n Roses
Against All Odds - Phil Collins
Baba O' Riley - The Who
Take it On A Run - REO Speedwagon
Living on A Prayer - Bon Jovi
Time Of Your Life - Greenday
Love Song - The Cure
Perfect - Smashing Pumpkins

Side C
Here is Gone - Oasis
The Man Who Sold the World - Nirvana
Superman - Five For Fighting
The Missing Piece - AFI
Hallowed Be Thy Name - Iron Maiden
Objects in the Rearview Mirror - Meatloaf
One Love - U2
Fire - Switchfoot


Side D
We Are The Champions - Queen
Mama, I'm Comin Home - Ozzy Osbourne
Times Like These - Foo Fighters
Diamonds and Rust - Joan Baez
Hang Me Out To Dry - Cold War Kids
One Headlight - The Wallflowers
Sailing to Philadelphia - Mark Knopfler
Don't Stop - Journey

It has been a long time since I added one to the list. The last song addition was in 2009. I feel like adding one today. It's a different genre, not one I've particularly been fond of. But it was a perfect fit. The first song in Side E -

I Know Him So Well - Elaine Paige and Barbara Dickson.

Love the lyrics. Especially the beginning -
Nothing is so good it lasts eternally
Perfect situations must go wrong
But this has never yet prevented me
From wanting far too much for far too long...

Rush and Rain

Clear skies, flowering trees, a Kindle and some AFI. This was going to be the perfect walk home, in the 'partially sunny' world I've come to love. My perusal of wars and magic was disturbed by the snowflakes (yup, snowflakes in April) clouding my kindle screen. Forced to put the kindle away but determined to enjoy the walk, I began to marvel at the scene around me - cherry blossoms in the snow, made for each other. While reaching for my phone to capture the moment, I was distracted by a thunderous peal of well, thunder. My walk ended with me making a mad dash up the hill in the pouring rain. I will say this, no matter how my walks begin, they always ends in the same vein. They always end in euphoria, with rush and with rain.

Loss of identity

Growing up, I never really understood what my friends were talking about when they were infatuated, or why they acted so silly. What can I say, I get it now :P

This one talks about one of my great fears, the reason I like to keep moving. Staying in one place binds you to being one person, stems your growth. You will always be the you those closest to you expect you to be. But what if that version of you is gone? And alternatively, who are you when the people who's perception you are reflecting leave?

My reflection fading
The outline of my face
Blurring, the person
Behind the eyes no longer in place
Like a haze forming
Between the me I am
And the me you see
My image so dependent
On your image of me.

I leave this incomplete because I'm not sure how it should end.. who will leave and how will the image change as a result?

Star light, burn bright

It takes a moment of clarity to undo the work of a lifetime of madness. The world is so full of words and thoughts and opinions, the he-saids and the she-saids drown out the I-thinks because we no longer think and just rephrase. My greatest fear is that I will lose my voice and become the content aggregator for a hundred other opinions that were formed by the same lack of thought that often comes with recycled beliefs. It takes a moment of clarity to see through the mist. What is life? A brilliant spark of light in an eternity of darkness, a single shout in a forever of silence? And if that is my life, what is the whole? The collection of all lives. Imagine an eternity brought to light with the brilliance of a million shining souls. Or the silence made alive by the echoes of joy that resonate with just being. Not being alive or dead or old or young, but just being. If we are just a spark, let us shine as bright as we can. If we are just a shout, let us fill our lungs a cry that will resonate through the very ends of the universe. If there are greater beings out there, let us give them a show to remember and a reason to watch. If we are truly alone, let us live to inspire and in turn be inspired by the light of others. It takes a billion stars burning together to light up the night. Let us be that burning light.

Damn forever

Inspired by my sister-in-law, I have decided to be disciplined about my blogging and keep at it. Since 2 people read it, if that many, I figure this is a perfect place practice and recreate my writing style, rediscover the talent that seems to have left me while I was sleeping through my youth.

So here is my latest, fresh off my One Note page, while working on a Sunday night. Boy meets girl. Boy and girl are friends. Boy and girl are more than friends. Boy leaves, without a word. And girl is just, well.. it's not a new story. And it's not an uncommon one. But amazingly enough, that doesn't make it less painful.

I didn't even move and just
Like that you're gone forever
Wait, that seems so long
Weren't we supposed to
Be great together, be
Friends long after all the rest
Faded? But you just left
Without a word or trace
Forever. The word seems
All wrong and so final
For something this important
For what we were
It's one of those words,
Like infinity or eternity
They aren't real, they’re just
Exaggerations, mutations of a
Concept humans pretend to comprehend
Or so I used to think
But you really are gone and
This really is forever..
While I miss you and obsess
You just move on, confess
Am a bit dazed so tell me
Should I try to stop you
Ask you where you're going
And why? Or do I let you fly
Out of my world, my mind
Into the black, forget
We met, or that we cared
Erase the time, moments shared
Do I go to you and ask you to stay
Or stay myself as you go away.

This is a style I've been trying to master for a while. I'm sure it has a better name than the one I give it but, the effect it's supposed to have is like someone received a blow to the head and is in that in between space between being awake and seeing stars, can't thread thoughts together in a sequence but instead, just flits between the thoughts that keep him spiraling downwards.

Holy Wars

Another old one, came to mind one day while flipping channels and all you could see was blood, blood and more blood. Am not referring to any particular religion or sect of society but rather, to the concept of fighting against someone's beliefs when you can no more prove yours than you can disprove someone else's.

The fragrance of rich devotion
Lost amidst the stench of blood
As life, once treasured
Is now cast aside
And a hundred shining faces
Have their lights turned out,
Lie scattered in a garden of corpses
History repeats itself
While towards an infinite eternity we progress
In hatred and anger, little knowing what fruits
A bullet may reap
In the hands of the misguided..
As all time stands still
And the din of the billions fades away
Alone each man must face his death
And the after, 'What dreams may come'
He alone will know and answer to his maker
But meanwhile, his loss will be lost
Among the red hues of living men
And it will be said - 'His last breath
Will be avenged by the millions' death'

Recently, I've been having a hard time articulating my thoughts. If you had known me when I was younger, you wouldn't believe me. But then, I doubt any of you did know me then so you'll just have to take my word for it. Yesterday, when I was driving up a mountain with some friends, I was talking about how I wanted to backpack through Eastern Europe. One of them asked me to sell the hike to him. And my brain froze. Now, while I have been told I tend to be 15% less of a person when I am driving, brain freeze and word loss are relatively new symptoms. Maybe it's all the diet coke I've been drinking (aspartame has been linked to short term memory loss). But, I couldn't explain the appeal Eastern Europe has for me. The best I managed, in a few inarticulate words was - 'Umm.. Mountains, forests. And other stuff'. He mentioned South America. I said, that would be cool too but didn't have as much of the stuff. What stuff? Castle-type stuff. I was shriveling with shame as I was saying it. I have perfectly good reasons for wanting to backpack through Eastern Europe. I want to check out places that represent to some extent the periphery of western and middle eastern civilization. I have always thought of South America as closer to my own culture and wanted to go to a place completely different. Bulgaria, Armenia, Turkey.. Hidden from the world I know about. Barely mentioned in the history I grew up studying. But I met people from there over the last 2 years and the strengths of their cultural beliefs is what attracts me to that location. I want to see where they come from? What about their history influences them? Where are they going or are they being forgotten by my world (my world - the only countries ever mentioned seem to be BRIC, USA, Japan, North Korea, South Korea, Britain, Mexico and a few others). I have this image of darkness and strong monarchies. Of cold wars and hard losses. Is that a good enough reason? I don't know. But it sure beats 'stuff'.

Next question - why the stick shift car? Fair point. I don’t like cars, I'm a terrible driver, it has been a painful and slow learning curve. But I insisted upon buying one. Rammed it into a wall, will probably burn the clutch out before the 'one year of ownership' is up and will ensure that if I'm on a long road trip in my car, I'm pretty much the only one driving. Lose, lose? My answer - it's more fun to drive. Question - why? I couldn't explain why. But it is more fun to drive. You feel more in control. There is something about having that piece of machinery respond to you, and your having the power to make decisions that is just so fun. 'Bend to my will car. Even if I will blow the gear box or over rev on first, you are mine and I have ultimate control' Power hungry? Maybe. But, better a car than a horse right? And on the days when I'm in the zone, the fluidity of motion that comes with gear shifts, acceleration and zooming past someone on a hill while they're still trying to press their accelerator to get their automatic gear to kick in. I love that feeling. And there's another reason. Shameful as this may sound, driving a stick shift has been the hardest thing I have ever learned how to do. Hell, driving the automatic was unnerving. Not to suggest I am a genius and everything else came naturally but, it did. Just kidding.. I actually never tried to do things that were hard. Academics were pretty easy and the hard things - dancing, sports, singing, playing the guitar, I just quit. Or never tried. Being able to drive represents being able to do something that requires hand-eye coordination without killing someone. For me, doing this is proof that I am not completely incapable. That if I try, I can overcome the low spatial IQ. Maybe I'll never be great at it, but I can do it. Well enough to keep people safe. I'll never give that up.


So why is it becoming so hard to explain these things? I think it's because I think the answers are stupid. My post MBA mind is so programmed to answer in formats, and in vague diplomatic phrases which are inoffensive and politically correct to the nth degree. Combine this with my own personal fear of being thought stupid, and my desire to control how much I tell people about myself, I finally talk a lot and say nothing. I have these catch-stories that I talk about with everyone I meet. And then become as bland as unflavored custard. Nothing new to add, no opinion to profess. Unless it’s the opposite of your opinion and I'm just playing devil's advocate. I feel like I'm floating in this shallow part of myself, refusing to actually think through or question my core because I'm scared to understand my own motivations. Why I am suddenly talking about this? A lot of prospective students have been reaching out to me off late and one of the questions is always - What did you get out of it? My answer - friends? Maybe confidence. Or the ability to project it anyway. The ability to say NO. But I also got a sort of poster board personality. I am easily influenced so this may not be true of other people who go to b-school. But I have changed, in some ways for the better and in many, for the worse. Just wanted to give out a fair warning. Be careful what you wish for.. b-school can be the most amazing thing that ever happened to you. It was for me. It certainly changed my life. But then, you don't know going in what the changes will be. It's a surprise and I hope you're ready for it..