Recently, I've been having a hard time articulating my thoughts. If you had known me when I was younger, you wouldn't believe me. But then, I doubt any of you did know me then so you'll just have to take my word for it. Yesterday, when I was driving up a mountain with some friends, I was talking about how I wanted to backpack through Eastern Europe. One of them asked me to sell the hike to him. And my brain froze. Now, while I have been told I tend to be 15% less of a person when I am driving, brain freeze and word loss are relatively new symptoms. Maybe it's all the diet coke I've been drinking (aspartame has been linked to short term memory loss). But, I couldn't explain the appeal Eastern Europe has for me. The best I managed, in a few inarticulate words was - 'Umm.. Mountains, forests. And other stuff'. He mentioned South America. I said, that would be cool too but didn't have as much of the stuff. What stuff? Castle-type stuff. I was shriveling with shame as I was saying it. I have perfectly good reasons for wanting to backpack through Eastern Europe. I want to check out places that represent to some extent the periphery of western and middle eastern civilization. I have always thought of South America as closer to my own culture and wanted to go to a place completely different. Bulgaria, Armenia, Turkey.. Hidden from the world I know about. Barely mentioned in the history I grew up studying. But I met people from there over the last 2 years and the strengths of their cultural beliefs is what attracts me to that location. I want to see where they come from? What about their history influences them? Where are they going or are they being forgotten by my world (my world - the only countries ever mentioned seem to be BRIC, USA, Japan, North Korea, South Korea, Britain, Mexico and a few others). I have this image of darkness and strong monarchies. Of cold wars and hard losses. Is that a good enough reason? I don't know. But it sure beats 'stuff'.

Next question - why the stick shift car? Fair point. I don’t like cars, I'm a terrible driver, it has been a painful and slow learning curve. But I insisted upon buying one. Rammed it into a wall, will probably burn the clutch out before the 'one year of ownership' is up and will ensure that if I'm on a long road trip in my car, I'm pretty much the only one driving. Lose, lose? My answer - it's more fun to drive. Question - why? I couldn't explain why. But it is more fun to drive. You feel more in control. There is something about having that piece of machinery respond to you, and your having the power to make decisions that is just so fun. 'Bend to my will car. Even if I will blow the gear box or over rev on first, you are mine and I have ultimate control' Power hungry? Maybe. But, better a car than a horse right? And on the days when I'm in the zone, the fluidity of motion that comes with gear shifts, acceleration and zooming past someone on a hill while they're still trying to press their accelerator to get their automatic gear to kick in. I love that feeling. And there's another reason. Shameful as this may sound, driving a stick shift has been the hardest thing I have ever learned how to do. Hell, driving the automatic was unnerving. Not to suggest I am a genius and everything else came naturally but, it did. Just kidding.. I actually never tried to do things that were hard. Academics were pretty easy and the hard things - dancing, sports, singing, playing the guitar, I just quit. Or never tried. Being able to drive represents being able to do something that requires hand-eye coordination without killing someone. For me, doing this is proof that I am not completely incapable. That if I try, I can overcome the low spatial IQ. Maybe I'll never be great at it, but I can do it. Well enough to keep people safe. I'll never give that up.


So why is it becoming so hard to explain these things? I think it's because I think the answers are stupid. My post MBA mind is so programmed to answer in formats, and in vague diplomatic phrases which are inoffensive and politically correct to the nth degree. Combine this with my own personal fear of being thought stupid, and my desire to control how much I tell people about myself, I finally talk a lot and say nothing. I have these catch-stories that I talk about with everyone I meet. And then become as bland as unflavored custard. Nothing new to add, no opinion to profess. Unless it’s the opposite of your opinion and I'm just playing devil's advocate. I feel like I'm floating in this shallow part of myself, refusing to actually think through or question my core because I'm scared to understand my own motivations. Why I am suddenly talking about this? A lot of prospective students have been reaching out to me off late and one of the questions is always - What did you get out of it? My answer - friends? Maybe confidence. Or the ability to project it anyway. The ability to say NO. But I also got a sort of poster board personality. I am easily influenced so this may not be true of other people who go to b-school. But I have changed, in some ways for the better and in many, for the worse. Just wanted to give out a fair warning. Be careful what you wish for.. b-school can be the most amazing thing that ever happened to you. It was for me. It certainly changed my life. But then, you don't know going in what the changes will be. It's a surprise and I hope you're ready for it..