Never say never

It's funny, the things you take for granted as a kid. My first passport was full of stamps. A testament to the 8 different countries my litte feet had walked on and my wondorous eyes had beheld. Over time, I stopped noticing the little things - the way the leaves were different in each country, how everyone dressed differently. They even drove on different sides of the street. Not belonging anywhere became a second nature to me. And then,I moved to India. At the age of 9, my mind could not really fathom the meaning of 'never'. I remember on my flight to India, my brother told me we were never going to see those places again. What does never mean? To me then, it meant running to mom in tears asking if that was true. And my mom just said - remember the song, 'Never say never'. I didn't quite understand what she meant but I calmed down. And stopped caring. This was just another plane ride. Another new place and another adventure. But, it was never. That was my last plane ride in 15 years. Time just passed by since then. I grew up, got a job, started work. And I never felt at home. I had amazing friends, an incredible life. But 'contentment still I craved'. Over time, as the novelty of being alive started wearing off, I started thinking about my future. My friends were moving forward. Many decided to study further, even more were in serious relationships or getting married. They had a vision of their future. I had only blankness in my vision of mine. That's when I decided it was time to leave. I couldn't wait till I was 'grown up' anymore. I was grown up and this moment was all I had. Before I 'settled down', before I could sanction my happiness, I felt like I had to find myself. Discover my own beliefs and dreams. If I was bored and discontent when I had everything, then what did everything mean right? I decided to go back to school. But in a different country. In as diverse a population as I could find. There were many, many obstacles to carrying out my plan. I needed to do well in exams, apply to schools, finance it somehow, deal with relatives. I had to accept that I really did not want to get married any time soon. That the contentment I saw in my friends' faces would never be mine. These were the easy hurdles. The hard one was what I love absolutely more than anything in the world. My mom. I had to accept that I would leave her behind. And that decision took an year to make. My best friend, my strength and my inspiration. And I felt like I was betraying her when she needed me. When I told her I wanted to leave, it was in tears. She was in tears too. My brother had just moved to another country. And now, she was losing me as well. Why I love my mom so much - because she has never stopped me from doing what I have really wanted to do. She knew I wasn't intersted in the MBA or in the career that would follow. It was just an escape, an adventure. She let me go. She knew that all she had to say was that she wanted me to stay and I would have stayed. Made everything so much easier. But she didn't. And here I am now. Thousands of miles from home, 3 new countries on my passport. Not content yet, not happy. But alive and excited. The future is no longer blank, it has shadows taking form. I have been on the emotional, physical and intellectual rollercoaster of a lifetime. I'm not sure what happens next but I know that despite the fact that I've aged five years in one, I wouldn't have traded this for the world. Never say never.

Was this inevitable? Were 25 years of my life leading to this moment, when the allure would become too strong and the thought of seeing my words in print become so appealing that I would no longer be able to resist the sweet taste of paltry fame and glory? Or am I just at work bored? I'll leave it to you to decide.

Actually, friends and family have been asking me to blog for years. I think it's largely been to get me to direct my opinions to a channel where they would not be forced to have an opinion to debate mine. First clue about what kind of person I am - argumentative.

I don't really have a clear idea about what the purpose of my blog is going to be. It has to have a purpose though. But, what? Right now, I feel like I'm at an important juncture in my life and the next one year will decide so much for me. In my mine, the next year encompasses my entire life. My past, present and future will merge. So this blog will be my secret retreat. A secret from my present and my future. This blog will belong to my past.